Wednesday, September 02, 2009

Note to Christwire - You aren't exactly helping Andre Bauer

The rumor that SC Lt. Governor Andre Bauer is gay has elicited many responses, but none as strange as the one from the conservative blog Christwire.

I had to look it over twice to make sure that it wasn't a parody:

If You’re a Fantastic Pro-Family Republican, Does One or Two Same-Sex Encounters Really Make You Gay?

Another pervert internet blogger is throwing slander at the Republican establishment in an effort to turn a fantastic politician into the posterchild of gayness. The man taking the heat is AndrĂ© Bauer, the next governor of South Carolina when the current Luv Guv Mark Sanford resigns. Sanford, you may recall, is the lusty soul who pampered his South American female playmate with deluxe vacations, fancy dinners and the best hotel suites all on the taxpayer’s credit card. He was caught when he told his wife he was going on a hike and disappeared for a week, leading the National Guide to search the Appalachian Trial while he was secretly canoodling on a Argentinean beach in an unflattering Speedo. Well, Sanford won’t be much longer in the governor’s chair and his second in command, Lieutenant Governor is all pumped up to take his place.

That’s where flamboyant blogger with bulge of bias Mike Rogers toe taps in. He lubed his way into the national consciousness by bringing down idyllic Senator Larry Craig and wise-as-a-whip Representative Mark Foley. This week he has accused 40-year old Lt. Governor AndrĂ© Bauer of secret homosexual tendencies. But Bauer has an absolutely fabulous record defending the rights of families and Christianity. He has loudly opposed Homosexual Marriage, Homosexual Sodomy and Homosexual Adoption. He has profoundly defined marriage as between straights only. Not only that, but he has pushed for the words, “I BELIEVE” and the Christian Cross on South Carolina license plates, fought tax hikes and supported free-market capitalism at every turn.

So this all begs the question, does the accusation of one or two wrong-headed and furtive man-on-man encounters actually make you gay? Couldn’t it be a mistake? If you have a great record fighting against the gays, doesn’t it cross out a few moments humping a younger man against the wall of some hotel room? This debate is far from settled, but it is an important one for the conservative party today.

That was all I could read before I choked in a fit of laughter. You can read the rest if you want (God help you).

Just in case you are interested, other postings on Christwire are the following:

Google Even Knows The Truth About Blacks

Soviets Create New Berenstain Bear Porn To Lure Children into Sin

MSI Computers Support the Gay Agenda With Laptop Butt Sex


UPDATE - Apparently Christwire may be a satirical site. If so, it's a damn good one! LOL

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Bill S said...

Wait...are you SURE that's not a parody? Or a hoax?
(A liitle bit off-topic, but when I first saw Andre Bauer's name in an older post, I read it as "Andre Braugher" and thought, "Hey! The guy from 'Homicide' is gay? Awesome!")

Charles said...

I am having to shake my head about this group that is trying to defend Bauer. It sounds like they know something they need to disclose.

Anonymous said...

christwire is satire. luv them.

Tad Suiter said...

Christwire *is* parody.

It's the kind of parody that blurs certain lines, but yes, it's intent is satirical.

Well, its intent is 1) satire, and 2) to draw as many people from both the right and left into thinking it's real as possible. It's shades of Andy Kaufman.