Thursday, December 09, 2021

When you've declare 'War on Christmas,' a spectacular outfit is a must

One of the simplest outfits to wear when you've declared 'War on Christmas.'

It's that time of year again. Visions of snowy days, sugarplums, brightly colored tinsel, and the  'War on Christmas.' No one really knows how this notion started. All we know is that it comes annually like arthritis in the winter or those gosh-awful movie remakes to remind us that while there is good in the world, evil is never that far behind.  

It's the lovely time of the year in which conservatives entities like Fox News and conservative evangelicals either manufacture a moral panic from some isolated incident like a Christmas song excluding lyrics about Jesus or simply make up a lie (usually about someone praying or a Nativity scene) to push an alarmingly hysterical idea that evil forces (i.e. LGBTQ people, 'leftists,' socialists, pro-choice activists, etc etc) are plotting to destroy Christmas. Or at least take it away from its 'Christian' roots. They do it every year because people respond better when you make them fear something and puff up their egos at the same time. 

I say if we are going to have  a War on Christmas, let's go all the way. And the first thing we should consider is attire. It is important to send the message that we are seriously going to wreck Christmas  A good outfit can go a long way into sending the message. 

It's always good to have a theme. You want to coordinate your outfits so that there is a linear message sent. Any theme will do but always remember that creativity is the key. Now since I grew up in the 1970s, I am going to present a blaxploitation theme. Feel free to copy or create your own.

Outfit 1 - Now this is a basic outfit for those who don't like elaborate dressing. Just a simply wrap dress which does not require bra. Accessories of course include a double barrel sawed off shotgun and wig (for hiding extra stuff you may need - straight razors, small guns). This outfit is very popular for interrupting family Christmas dinners and accusing any man at the table of being your 'baby daddy' while demanding child support.

Outfit 2 - Now this a Dolemite special and can come in any color. It's a bit more subtle because it's meant to be worn in church. Or more specifically, for the times you are forced to go to one of those Christmas pageants in which your child is forced to play a shepherd instead of the angel proclaiming Jesus's birth..

Outfit 3 - This 'War on Christmas' outfit is good for any occasion because it's the slow, brooding look. This means you are definitely going out to ruin someone's good time at a Christmas party before the night is over by either 'cutting a hefa' or 'stealing that b!tch's man.' It also comes with accessories of press on fingernails so that you can get your 'slap' on.

Outfit 4 and 5 - Now these next two outfits work in a tandem. They are good for going any mall or store and stealing all of the attention. This works to  totally screwing up people's minds and thereby making them forget that one perfect item they were going to buy for their child, spouse, or loved ones. The female version (bottom picture) is less complicated but the male version (top picture) comes in turquoise, mustard yellow, and shocking pink. The male version is also best worn without underwear so that (as you can see in the picture), the material makes your 'nether regions' really stand out.

And always remember. It's never about you having a good time at Christmas. It's all about f@cking up someone else's holiday.

Editor's note - If by now you haven't figured out that this is satire, then what is wrong with you? Seriously.