Dear Religious Right Groups (i.e. the Family Research Council, the Liberty Counsel, the American Family Association, et al),
As the official spokesman for the Gay Mafia, allow me to put on record that I am shocked, appalled, and hurt over how you have abandoned the LGBTQ community. Apparently our 40+ years together mean nothing to you.
Remember the good times we had? Our bizarre, yet very fruitful-for-you relationship? Remember how you used to accuse us of recruiting children, stuffing gerbils up our butts, and having lots and lots and lots of sex? Remember when you exploited the stereotypes about our lesbian sisters to make it seem that they liked beating each other up? And how you used religion to cover up your lies and basic prejudices? Weren't those times good enough for you? Didn't you scare enough people and make a lot of money via fundraising?
How dare you dump us for the COVID pandemic!
Don't lie. We read what you have been saying about vaccines and masks and lockdowns. Our cousin's sister's baby daddy's niece told us everything. We heard all of the stuff you claimed about how President Biden and the Democrats are going to use pandemic to take away freedoms, especially from Christians. And about how they are going after the children in schools.
You modeled that argument strictly for us! How dare you use it on some slutty pandemic! That bitch!
Aren't we owed something? We gave you the best years of our lives. We made it easy for you to attain power by scaring people with lies about our health and habits. And just because some young and mysterious pandemic shakes its little tail in front of you, you gonna kick us to the curve?
Whatever happened to commitment? Whatever happened to stability? Were we the problem? Did we win too many cultural battles against you? Are you angry at us because we knocked the sodomy laws, Don't Ask, Don't Tell, and won the right to marry and adopt? Are you still upset because those little victories you won, just as the Masterpiece case, turned out to be loses for you in the long run? Are you hurt because all of that stuff you continue to claim about the transgender community isn't sticking as much as you thought it would? Granted, your relationship with transgender Americans isn't over yet and you still tripping. But you won't be winning. We told you what would happen if you kept using the same tired and easy to refute lies.
Well whatever. You and your hefa COVID can go your own way if you want. See if talking about vaccines and masks can give you what we gave you when you talked about us having sex and putting Christians in jail. I'll give you six months before COVID dumps you.
When that happens, don't come back to us. We want a divorce and palimony. That's right. We want half. You will be getting the papers tomorrow. And don't even think about coming back. We've changed the locks.
And one more thing. You better tell COVID-19 that we better not catch its ass in the street.
With warm regards,
The Gay Mafia
P.S. - You nasty bastards!!
Editor's note - just in case you haven't figured it out yet, this letter should be taken strictly tongue-in-cheek while noting just how religious groups exploit the popular fears to amass money and power. These days, it's difficult for people to note satire.