Sunday, November 05, 2006

South Carolina, Amendment 1 and Me
or
The Supression of Black Gay Voices

As many of you know, South Carolina is faced with one of those dreary "marriage amendments." The organization I am affiliated with, the South Carolina Equality Coalition, has been steadily fighting this amendment on many fronts.

One front is on the editorial pages of the state's newspapers. I wrote a column about how the amendment affects me. It was not printed. Now one of the editors, a black minister, wrote a column in which he said while the amendment would clutter the state's constitution, it should be passed to send a message about the "sin of homosexuality."

I am not claiming intentional suppression of my opinion. I am just pointing out the fact that in these amendment fights, it has been so difficult for those of us who are black and gay to get our voices heard. Subsequently, these amendment fights have pitted the African-American and gay communities against each other regarding comparisons of the African-American civil rights movement and the gay civil rights movement.

Meanwhile, those who are like me will have our voices suppressed and our opinions unheard. People will pass over our lives like they are not important.

If anything, we are the inheritors, the children if you will, of the African-American and gay civil rights movements. We are the fusion of the two maligned groups.

And while the parents squabble, the children are being ignored.

But thank God I have a blog because I can post what I wrote:

My favorite childhood memories are of family picnics, holidays and days at the beach. There was bound to be a mishap during these outings, like being rained on at Lake Murray or accidentally setting our neighbor’s yard on fire during the Fourth of July. Over the years, memories of these misfortunes faded away, but the love and support of my large family did not.

As I grew into a young man, I began to wish that I could build a family of my own. But in 1990, I ran into an obstacle while I was attending college at Winthrop.


I realized I was gay. As a 19-year-old at the crest of facing the real world, this realization was an extra burden. To make matters worse, no one talked much about gay men and lesbians back then, much less about them raising families. Subsequently, it took me time (and many tears and sleepless nights) to realize that there was nothing wrong with being gay and having a family.
But apparently, my perfectly normal desire to raise a family has mixed up some people’s concept of what makes a family.


At least that is what some of my fellow South Carolinians might think.

On November 7th, our state will be deciding on a constitutional amendment that addresses the very definition of family.

As a lifelong South Carolinian and a native son of Columbia, allow me to share what the amendment means to me and to my understanding of family. Raised in a black, Christian church, the importance of family was instilled in me from the day I was born. In my life I have seen that the desire to start a family and have it protected by your community is a normal part of the human condition. No one, gay or straight, should have to apologize for feeling that way, especially my fellow gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender South Carolinians who are already members of loving families and productive communities across our state.
Unfortunately, anti-gay forces are attacking our families. Those who push this Family Discrimination Amendment preface their justifications with the caveat that they do not hate gay people.


I actually believe them.

Their attempts do not spring out of hatred but rather a misguided sense of entitlement. They feel they must dictate to South Carolinians what makes a family, that they have the patent on what constitutes a "real family" and to heck with the rest of us who do not fit their "standards."

Let me register my vehement opposition to this ignorant, prejudiced and narrow-minded ideology.


Families are not about one strict and unbending definition. A family is about creating beauty and success regardless of its makeup—from single mothers working two jobs to grandmothers raising their grandchildren. My definition of family may have changed since I was a boy, but the importance of family to me has not.

Amendment 1 does not just attack gay families, it attacks all families.

Though it may seem that the fight over this Amendment will end negatively for South Carolina’s families, I remain optimistic that its opponents have used this opportunity to talk with other South Carolinians about a more complete and realistic definition of family. I am filled with the hope that the gay community can convince fellow South Carolinians to look at us as ordinary people and leave the allotting of spaces in Heaven to our God.

After all, hope is another condition present in every human being.

And gay folks are just as human as anyone else.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

The guys comment really bothers me. He obviously doesn't care about the integrity of the constitution as much as sending his message. What is his message anyway. The one I'm getting is that if it was up to him and his gang, they would have me shrivel up and die.

Anonymous said...

I left South Carolina and the Untied States 2 months ago in order to have a new life in England with my British partner. Here, I can immigrate based on our relationship, which is recognized by the British government as a civil partnership. I miss South Carolina, but I must tell you, now that I've had a taste, as a gay man, I would miss freedom and integrity more.

aaronjasonsilver said...

THE DAMAGE OF "THE CLOSET"


In the wake of all of the recent sex scandals in the past couple of years, months, weeks and days in Washington and now the leader of the evangelicals that have been monopolizing the news because they have involving high profile individuals such as politicians, clergy etc. For this reason I believe it is high time that the phenomenon of “the closet” needs to be addressed and understood. I believe it will provide the necessary context from which to view some of these scandals. The closet, meaning where people hide their sexual orientation, whether one is a man or woman but particularly I am speaking of men at this time because I believe men use the closet even more often than woman because of societies more narrow view and expectations of what behaviors are considered acceptable and “normal” for men. Woman can be tomboys much easier than men can be sissies. Of course not all gay men are effeminate by a long shot but that is a stereotypical image of gay men and therefore many men attempt to cover up any behaviors they may have and believe may bring unwanted suspicion onto them. Therefore men, whether they be gay or straight, will practice stereotypical masculine behaviors to thwart any suspicion out of fear and/or necessity. This is especially true if they feel pressure to do so to protect their careers, career advancement, fear of social denunciation or for a variety of other reasons whether they have difficulties reconciling their religious views with their natural inner feelings and same sex attractions. These are however the most common reasons for men to join the astounding numbers of other men that are also hiding in the closet.



The fear of being discovered can be enormous and absolutely terrifying. These men will often then do whatever they believe society expects from them. They will marry and have children out of desperation in an always unsuccessful attempt at suppressing these natural longings and hoping that they will eventually go away. These powerful feelings of attraction that we all know very well and have all experienced ourselves whether toward the same sex or the opposite sex, it’s all still the same. They may also marry and have homosexual secret liaisons with men and feel terrible guilt in doing so. They will do their very best to compartmentalize their lives the best that they can. However I believe and have found while researching my book that the longer one stays in the closet the more damage is done. It is generally very difficult to compartmentalize ones life for long without developing some emotional problems begin developing in varying degrees and manifesting in a variety of ways. Many closeted me develop coping mechanisms such as addictive behaviors of all sorts whether they are alcoholism, prescription or non prescription abuse. They may develop addictions to pornography sexual addiction or other self-destructive ways of acting out. Once again unfortunately the longer one stays in the closet there will also then be more victims because of their closeted lifestyle choice. The victims may be their wives and children, their friends, parents and siblings, all feeling like they have been betrayed and deceived if their true nature is discovered as it was for ex-governor of New Jersey, Mr. McGreevy, ex-congressmen Foley and now the president of the Evangelicals to name just a few of the staggering number of men that are doing the same. I feel very sad for the victims as well as I very much understand the humiliation, despair, and profound depression that soon follow once that door to the closet is flung open. For some, the shame is just too unbearable and suicide seems like the only alternative to ending their unbearable pain and shame.



Society needs to take some responsibility with this matter of the closet by being more accepting of alternative lifestyles. Without the closet, try and imagine how much less pain many people and families would have to endure. Not only the ones that feel that living in the closet is their only alternative, but for the victims that find themselves feeling betrayed and the breaking up of families that soon follows. We as a culture have some soul searching to do on this matter and not be so self-involved and self-righteous. There are a variety of ways of loving and living. We need to accept that which seems to be normal for some is not necessarily normal for all. With that said in no way excuses adult men from making wrong choices that victimize others such as the irresponsible behaviors demonstrated by the now ex-congressmen Foley. I'm not even going to go so far as to say his closeted behaviors are the reason for his conduct. I don't know. I don't know him. However, as I said the closet can cause deep and very troubling emotional problems that can eventually manifest in abhorrent behaviors. This may or may not be the cause of his behaviors. However one thing I do know is that he does know what's right and wrong and as he surely knew, his attractions to young teens, although may not be technically illegal, but is an inappropriate attraction and should have sought therapy before creating victims. However, because there is still so much shame yet in this day and age and our rather hypocritical puritanical society, cause many gays to not seek help concerning issues they may be struggling with from the appropriate professionals. I generally do not recommend clergy because it can cause further damage due to their religious agendas which can deepen one's shame and depression. This is a very complicated issue that society has to become more compassionate about or we will continue to shame gays enough that will continue to inhibit many from being true to themselves from the beginning or it may prevent them from seeking the appropriate help for any specific personal issues in which they may be struggling with.



One can read more about this issue and many other disturbing issues involving gay culture of today in my new book; "why gay men do what they do", an inside look at gay culture. Thank you, Aaron Jason Silver
www, aaronjasonsilver.com